By: Aaron Pazan
I think there is a time in everyones life where they feel completely alone.
However, for me there was a long period of time that I felt completely and utterly alone, even while surrounded by people. This photo is an example of that. This photo was taken at Exploration (an event for those exploring ordained ministry in The United Methodist Church) in Denver in November of 2013. This event and me starting to come to terms with my sexuality just days before the event started this period of time for me where I felt completely alone.
I am the type of person who hates talking about my emotions with anyone. So I perfer to close myself off and give people half truth answers to how was feeling. I have gotten good at faking my happiness while I was around people. I didn’t want people to see me struggling. I was in fear of what people would say or do when they saw that the so called perfect poster child for The United Methodist Church was actually someone completely scared and hurting because of the Church’s stance on one issue that affected me.
I allowed myself to become so closed off to the point, where I knew that if I didn’t somehow figure out a way to stop feeling like I’m alone when I’m with a group of people, I would have started doing things I told myself I would never do. I believe we put so much stigma on the idea that we have to do everything ourselves without the help of other people. I know for me personally I waited until almost the last minute to reach out for help when I felt so desperately alone. I was so wrapped up in the idea that I would be rejected because of my denominations official stance on homosexuality. Yet, I was wrong. The people I told welcomed me with open arms and told me that it was okay for me to be a lesbian and a Christian at the same time.
One of the best things someone has ever told me is “You are not alone, ever.” No matter how many times I feel like I’m alone or that no one is ever listening or caring about me, I have to remind myself that God is always with me and that people are always thinking about me.